Purging my shame

For those of you who come to my posts for that tech fix, this is going to be far from it. But if you are the typical technical person who tends more towards being introverted (like me) then do give this a look-through.

This pandemic has destroyed us in multiple ways — physically, emotionally, to families and relationships but it has literally forced us to look within ourselves; something I believe most of us are scared of doing. Because when we look inside, we see our flaws, the things we have got wrong, the things we could have done better, the people we couldn’t be but thought we should be… and the list goes on.

Have you ever seen someone across you do something confident and amazing and wonder “why can’t I be like that?” Why do we rarely see the things that we are capable of? We all are different, made up of a gazillion combinations of genetic codes, so naturally… biologically we can’t all be like each other. Yet that is what we keep doing over and over even though it goes against the very nature of it.

I have a feeling this story like many other such stories might have started with reading at least one of Brené Brown’s books. So yes, I am currently reading Gifts of Imperfection and that has influenced me to write this today. I don’t know where I am going with it but it’s something that she said in the book that made me want to do this.

I was on the chapter ‘The things that get in the way’ where Brené Brown relates a story that had shamed her for nearly 5 years. By owning her story… by speaking it out loud, she was finally able to recognise the self-doubt it had caused her over the years. She went on to say that to live true to ourselves, we must talk about the things that get in the way and own our story!

This is my interpretation of her words and how it relates to the the story I am about to relate. I haven’t even finished reading the book! But I have a story that I have held onto since 2014 and it’s time I purge it. The story itself is small and insignificant, but the impact it had on me was immense. I feel now that the impact was caused a lot by the shame of it — that how could something so silly do this to me. And I didn’t realise that that little seed of self-doubt could grow into the monster it has become today.

Yes, I spoke to my friends and family about it. Even much later to a therapist but I realise now that I never truly owned it. I never realised what I had to do — that is to look within myself and believe in myself, in my worth. Instead I looked for validation from people around me: my partner, my friends, my family. But what I really needed was the validation from my self. I was too scared to look inside; it’s so much easier to just whine to the person next to you and get that comfort. It’s important to have that support but to truly be the best version of yourself, you have to look at yourself with the same belief that your partner or friend looks at you with.

Here goes… Not sure if this is going to be a mistake or not, or if it will even help but it’s a step, right? I want to start with how Brené Brown describes shame:

This story put such a strong sense of flaw and weakness in me that it seeped into my core.

You’re probably going to laugh when you even hear what it is… I’ve been building up this hype towards this earth shattering moment that destroyed a part of me, but be rest assured, it’s nothing so grand. But that’s how we humans are; these little things creep up on us and we don’t notice until it starts taking over our lives. I’m imagining that moment from Matrix when Agent Smith is trying to take over Neo and that liquid metal is spreading from his chest and trying to take over the whole of him.

It was the first day of work. I was nervous but super excited because this to me was that dream job you get out of college. It wasn’t my first job after college but finally it was the one I wanted. I reached early (around 9 am, early for a software developer) and was introduced to everyone and it was all really exciting. Everyone was so cool and I wanted to make a good impression so I even drank that extra strong coffee they had on the pot. I wanted to belong.

Being the first day, I still didn’t know how things worked: what time do people eat lunch? Where do they get lunch? Can I eat at my desk (computer equipment and all that)? What time do I leave? And most importantly, who do I ask all this!

These questions at the time were strong in me, coming from a strict Indian school background where you are not allowed to do anything without permission. I waited and waited for when I would be given permission to eat lunch. I was really hungry. But I was too scared to simply walk out and get it. Plus I felt silly asking “May I go for lunch?”. I was an adult right?

I can already feel my cheeks turning red as I write this. Wondering if my ex-colleagues are going to read this story and be like “ah that’s why she got so weird.”

Considering I ate breakfast at 8 am, then drank some very strong coffee, (maybe some of you know where this is heading) by around 1:30, I was starving. Finally, my supervisor said let’s go for lunch! I was relieved. All my new colleagues wanted to show me this street food market and thought it would be a great place for my first lunch.

We started walking. It’s never sunny in London but that day it was sunny and hot. We kept walking. And walking. Now I was starting to get a little worried because I was beginning to feel a bit sick. I also want to remind you that being a software developer, I was one girl out of two at a company of 24. So I’m walking with this one girl and about 15 guys and I’m still young and in my mid 20s, I didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of so many boys!

It took twenty very long minutes to reach this market. It was super crowded and noisy and hot. Suddenly, all the voices started to echo and my vision blurred. There were black spots…

I’m getting hot flushes as I even write this. But I’m going to own this story!

My knees started to buckle and I knew what was going to happen. I couldn’t let it happen. There was no fucking way I was going to faint on the very first day of work in front of 15 boys who are all judging me as the first female developer to join their team. I mean what would they think of me?! How would I ever gain their respect? It was hard enough to swim in this male dominant industry and then to blackout, actually pass out on the very first day!

I told myself I am a martial artist (at the time I practised martial arts) and I was going to keep walking till I could get a coke or any kind of sugary drink. I could hear my supervisor describing all the different food stalls from a far away place. I tried to act normal as if I could see clearly but in reality, I couldn’t see very much. My insides wanted to come out.

The queues at the stalls were longggg so when my supervisor asked me what I wanted to eat, I managed to say “The stall with the shortest queue”. I reached the head of the queue asked for a sprite and drank it like I have never drunk before. I remember my supervisor looking at me oddly. I think it was some kind of wrap stand. I grabbed the wrap. Made the 20 minute journey back to the office and slowly ate. Slowly, because I was shaking so much and I felt so very awful and weak.

The rest of the day was normal. Much later I realised that I probably had a coffee overdose which gave me a little hypoglycemia and with the lack of food… well you saw how it ended. But this isn’t what eventually seeded the self-doubt. It was the next day.

The next day, I came into work as usual and now I knew I could go get lunch whenever I wanted, so all was well. As noon came closer and I started to feel hungry, something else started to happen. I started to get a panic attack. Now the funny thing about panic attacks are that they can be a lot like fainting — hot flushes, shakiness, blurred/brightened vision, heart palpitations.

This was the moment when things got strange for me. My hunger got strongly associated with the idea of fainting. Every time I got hungry, this sense of fear burst inside me with the shame and embarrassment of possibly passing out in front of all those people. This led to a vicious cycle of getting a panic attack which in turn made me think… blacking out?

It is immensely difficult for me to explain how this had affected my life from thereon. We get panic attacks when our body is in flight or fight or freeze mode. This has come down through the centuries in our DNA as a way of protecting ourselves from the real dangers of nature — predators, drought, famine… My body therefore switched into survival mode every time I got hungry (I would have done well in the caveman days) but it was unnecessary for the leisurely life we live in comparison.

It’s humiliating to even read all this. They are all band aids. Shortcuts to avoid the fear of looking within myself, of believing in myself — that this moment didn’t define me or my strength. But we all do this don’t we? We find that one awful moment and hold on to it for our dear lives. We remember every second like it was yesterday, every thought that flashed through our mind, every physical manifestation of the shame and fear.

Our brains like to learn through patterns — if the train was late yesterday, let’s be prepared for it to be late today or tomorrow or the day after. But our brain evolved into making patterns only as a form of guidance, from the days when we needed to survive and each step was a matter of life or death. But patterns aren’t rules or hard facts. Maybe the predator wouldn’t be hungry enough to eat me today! They can aid us while we choose our next step every minute of the day but they do not dictate who we are and what we are worth. And every new decision, step, experience we make or go through is just that — new.

I don’t know where this journey will take me. I have shared the story that ashamed me for so long. Scared of how I would be judged. Worried that I wouldn’t be considered a good enough developer. Fearful that people would see me as someone weak — she faints if she doesn’t eat!

The questions that sent me into a bleak world — how will I manage on my own? How will I go to work tomorrow? What if I forget to carry my meal? How will I take that flight by myself? Who will take care of me if I do faint? Even deeper questions like — how can I have children when I might pass out? Am I capable of taking care of them?

I see now that all these fears and questions are a sign of the self-doubt that I have held onto. That I am somehow flawed and not good enough and hence not worth anyone’s love or care. I didn’t belong even to myself. The hard truth of this is not only does it affect you but your loved ones wonder whether the love they give you is cherished.

I have lost much over the years because of this shame but I have to look back and see that I also achieved a lot. And that is what matters the most — the strengths, the people who you love, your accomplishments however small, each step you take in the hard times. And not that silly single afternoon which is just a blip on this infinite timeline.

I know writing this post is not going to miraculously send my serotonin and dopamine on an upward trend. But it’s a relief to not hide it anymore. Although, I haven’t hit the publish button yet :)

My hope is that this article will reach someone, anyone who feels like they need to purge their shame. Because, let’s face it, we all got a few of these in our lives. I am here to read your story and listen and be that person who you can purge it to (please no murder confessions).

We are only human and we need to give ourselves a chance.

So nervous to hit publish… going to hit it now… still haven’t… please be kind :)

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